I can't hold on.

When I was younger I thought I was in love at the age of fifteen. I always wanted to be around him and make him happy. I gave my best effort to give my life/time to him. He didn't want it.

One night I was depressed. my close friend said "lets go to a dance" so I did. I ended up having a good time. I wanted to forget all about that boy who I could not please, for the life of me. I got asked out by another boy who seemed to like me. The ride home that night I felt beautiful. I had a boy to call my own and give all my love/attention to.

It's weird cause, the next day the first boy who I wanted to give everything to wanted me. He told me on AIM that he was stupid and finally new what he was missing. I was happy at first, but promised him I would be true/strong to my heart and never want be with him again. he later found out I had a BF and wanted to win me over. A promise is a promise.

I always thought I was a strong women and never needed a man to make me happy. I am just now finding out, maybe I do need one to complete me and feel beautiful. ;/ I have dated four men. It seems that when something bad happens, I go right to another one. I don't even have to like them.. it's like a safety zone. What is wrong with me?

I should be able to be alone.I should be able to take chances. I should be able to leave it I want. It seems I won't and don't know why.

old people

young people and old people have some similarities. one that comes to mind is, they both know lots and no one listens. What I mean by this is that, Young children/teens come up to their parents and say "mom I know what the answer is to that." most parents just ignore them cause they want to be the smart ones. When old people know what their talking about they do! They have greater experience that you have yet to come. They've seen the past and are living the future.

Sometimes it takes a little longer for older people to remember things, but when they do listen! your sure to learn something new. Today, I learned a lot about how blacks were treated and how young love was sweet. I also, learned that no matter how hard you worked, it wasn't considered a JOB unless it was money worthy.

To me a job is considered a job if you get it done and try your best... Money is good to ;D Anyways, to wrap this up. Listen to old and young.. you'll be surprised at what little you think you know.

It's weird the way I feel about you

When I am with you I get this weird but warm feeling.

When I am with you I look at you and want to kiss you.

When I am with you, you look at me and I melt.

When I am not with you, you seem to be on my mind.

You have great qualities that I want in a man.

Sometimes you don't see how great you are and all you do.

I am glad I get to see you threw my eyes...Wish you could see yourslef as great as I see you.

Did you learn your lesson?

In this world we have a thing called punishment. it is everywhere. You do something wrong... theres a consequence.

growing up if us kids disobeyed we'd get punished! such as

• Soap in the mouth
• Slap on the butt
• Maybe a belt. I don't remember
• Time out
• Grounded-no phone,friends,computer.. ANYTHING fun.

In the US there are punishments far worst than a bar of soap in the mouth. Jail is one of them. If I was in jail I'd think I'd go mad, being alone in a cement room with bars. I'd be scared that I would die in there or never get out.

Does the US have a right to take away someones life? IMO I think not. There could be other punishments for one's wrong doings ;/. Life is a gift!

Why? why? oh why?

On days like today, I have to stop and wounder.. Why the fuck am I here?

Today went well for the most part. The morning was good, so was work but I had a loved one say something that really effected me.

I hate that I am so sensitive and always have to get my feeling out there. yes it does fall back on me. I like to have people notice me and and listen to my thoughts. I do not like being the center of attention. I don't like when people joke.

I've always had people say " It's just a joke" "your no fun" "now your depressed" ;/ WTF I wish I was made different! I think to much and get sad why to much.

Why the fuck am I here? I hate myself most days.. seems others do to.

communication lost!

communication!

Has time changed the means of communication?

IMO- yes! Today I had to talk to lots of people. I ask them lots of questions and try to make their day better. err this one chick was on the phone the whole time. I couldn't get a single word in. I failed to do my job cause of her.

Back when, people would walk near and far to talk to people. They would write letters. When phones were invented people thought it was awesome! that it would help them to talk more to the ones they loved. Having a phone does help with communicating.

Today, we have cell phones! we text to talk to someone. This is bad because text show no emotions. It's like AIM on the Internet.

People need good communication skills to survive in this world. What if your a young teen going to get a job. You can't text them.

Talk more. Laugh more. See more!

If i'm not what you need

If I'm not want you need, I won't plead you to let me stay.
If I'm not what you want, I will give you away.

If you think I'm ugly, just throw me away.
If you think I'm a disease, just put me to my grave.

If I'm what you need, than come lay by me.
If I'm what you want, come steal my heart away

If you think I am beautiful just beg me to stay.
If you think I am worthy, throw that other girl away.

Theres always another prince.... You choose who to love! :D

Stealing

There are a lot of low things you can do in this world. Stealing is one of them.

On the 9th my phone got stolen from where I work. ;/ It really upset me cause I thought I lost it forever. I looked everywhere I could think of. I cleaned my car just to find it. I looked through the whole store. No phone!

AJP later called my mom's phone and asked why I called him an idiot. I would not be mean. I told him my phone must have been stolen. I called the cops to see if they could trace it "nope!" I called my phone company and they said "can't help you"

I kept calling my phone trying to get it back. My mother later got a text saying "Sorry I found this phone in my daughters bag" They said they would return my phone to work and that they were sorry. Days past and still no phone....


I want my phone back. I don't like liars. I am sad that my dad bought me that and now I don't have it.

Anyways, stealing to me is wrong! and it sucks!

money its gas!

Money!

Some say that's why the world goes round. So sarcastic! People say this because, money is the root of living. It keeps people happy, without it we won't know what to do.

Money is always on my brain. It shouldn't be. Money sucks. Sometimes it makes me greedy and all I want is to have money. I think that money could make me happy.

Wrong!

Money can never give or love you back. Sure! you get everything you want. You get

• A hot new car
• A new boat
• A motorcycle
• A boob job
• A face lift
• A new house
• A puppy
• Everything you could think of

But, what do you really have "nothing" "shit" oops! am I being honest? Anyways this is what money does to you. It makes you try and showoff.

I like money, but am learning to live without it and the cool things it can buy.

cops

In Vermont we tend to get bad weather. In the winter without nice tiers you tend to slide all over the roads.

Today, I left an hour early to get to work. When I went outside the snow kept coming down. I called my dad to ask him if my all seasons would be fit for my drive to work. he said they should be fine and drive slow.

Now! I took my time slow I went 45 on the interstate... I ended up in a ditch. the car in front of me went about 65 then slammed on their brakes. Sense I didn't have studs, I tapped my brakes and started to skid. It sucked.

I was in the ditch for about 10min before I got some help. A cop from a different county came by and asked me how he could help. he called a truck to come lift me out. About 15min later the truck came. The cop was really nice. He stayed with me until the process was finish. He and I got to joking about stupid, speedy drivers. I asked him what kind of snow tiers he had. He said "special ones" I guess sense he's a cop he gets "special ones" I WANT SOME.

Anyways... I need to get winter studded tiers on my car asap. To all you Vermonter's out there my advice to you is, drive slow in snow and get good tiers!

My parents

My parents sense they were young, knew they loved each other. They knew they wanted to have lots of kids. What they didn't know is that they get 5 and not 4.

She was a troubled young women in her 20's she had three kids and didn't know who their dad was. There were about three possibilities. She didn't know if the kids had the same father or not. She did drugs and smoked. When she wanted to go get drugs she'd bring her "babies" along for the ride.

She was alone and did not know where to turn to. She brought her kids over to this mans house who she thought was a good guy. She went and and saw the man killing another man. "Don't tell anyone ok" such a burden she carried. The cops later found out that she was part of the plot. She was thrown in jail, her kids in foster care. One of her babies was at her cousins being watched. When her cousin and husband arrived to the scene they did not want to give the baby up. The loving couple took the baby in.

Today that baby is loved and grows more in love with her family. She is no longer a "baby" but always will be to the loving couple.

I just wounder everyday what would have happened to that one "baby" if the young troubled mother would have not given her baby up for adoption.

Some are blessed.... I am one of them.

Gentleman???

What is a gentlemen?

A gentleman is a well mannered and considerate with high standards of proper behavior.
I think this is vary true. To me a gentlemen

• Opens doors for you
• Offers to pay on a date
• Shows you off to his friends
• Offers to carry something when your hands are full
• offers to help bring in food after shopping
• Holds your hand in public
• Calls lady's Miss or Mam

If he does at least three of the above. he is a good gentlemen. He is the kind of guy you'd bring around to meet your parents. He is the kind of guy that you want to bring out. He is respectful and old fashioned.

you are not alone

What is an island?

Something resembling an island, esp. in being isolated or having little or no direct communication with others.

I am not talking about the island that we all know that has water around it and is alone. I am talking about us as humans. Some may say they are islands and always will be an island... I don't think that this is true.

"I am ment to be alone" "I don't need marriage" "wtf is love?" "who needs them?"
I've heard some people say this...We as humans were ment to find love and reproduce. This is just mt oppinion. I am not an island. I love to be around others and talk. I love to give hugs and show how much I love people. When I say I LOVE YOU to someone I mean it.

I really don't get why some would want to be islolated. Maybe they don't want to get hurt, ;/ I just thought of something! your my island, my escape.. My isolation in love... My get away. Sometimes I want that sometimes I just want you not to be an island.

Sometimes it's good to get away

I don't know what it if lately. I've got a lot on my mind things like

• you
• my family
• me
• why people hurt me like they do
• why I hurt people like I do

When I think about you I think about how much I love you and how happy you make me. It hurts sometimes though cause you don't know what to say or express yourself to me. I know you love me I think your kinda scared that what we have must be true love. I am so sorry that you've been hurt by others. I will never hurt you. I want to be with you all my life. I know I am young to be saying this, but I LOVE you and never felt so strong about anyone.

Right now at home it is so stressful. I come home and there's about 7 cars on the lawn/driveway. I walk threw the door and see a mess and hear a screaming child. She is not mine so I don't have to take care of her, but in some ways I do.. She wants good attention and not bad. She wants to know she has rules. She wants to be loved. It is so hard when there is so many people around who don't understand you and think your always sad. I am not always sad. Most days I am happy and glad I am living. It's just hard sometimes at home to express myself.

When I think about me I always think about how I can change to make others happy. I would love to be perfect for people all the time I just can't. I have realized this fact, that I'm not perfect and never will be. I guess I am happy with most of who I am.

These are just somethings that have been on my mind. In order to clear my mind I just take a drive and see where I end up. Today i went around town after dropping my best friend off. It helped!

Anyways there are ways to deal with stuff. I take drives what do you do?

being intimate

I really have never understood why some men don't express their feelings. I mean they start off like "ok I'll share" when they get to the climax of the truth... THEY STOP TALKING!!!! I also, have not liked the fact that when you start to get intimate with a man you can play fight then it's over. for girls they like being close we want to play and cuddle afterwards.

During sex or playtime, girls love it cause they get all the attention and it makes them feel sexy/loved. For some men they cum and they're done.. "game time" or they go do something else like smoke a cig! hello!!! you just got laid, is it that stressful that u have to go smoke? Some say sex is away to Relieve stress.. not add on.

What I am trying to say is men during playtime/sex wait it out and make more love! It will make the girl happy and she will be more willing to have sex with you next time :D